Fulfulling my destiny...

What is my destiny? My best friend has been talking ALOT lately about dreams and potential and all this stuff about the future. And honestly, it has prompted me to start thinking about my future. I'm sure we've all been confronted with the option of preparing a personal long range plan or setting goals for your life. I know I have, especially when I was in high school. It seems, however, that I have long since "veered" from the path I initially started. My plan was to be a successful corporate manager with ties to politics and education.

Where am I at today? Well, I do work in Corporate American (technically). I am not a manager, though. I am registered to vote, but not involved in politics. I've been to school, but have long since gave up any aspiration of being involved outside of being an alum. Is this alright? A better question would be, "Am I satisfied with my current state of being?" And if not, "Am I willing to take the necessary strides to get back on track?"

What happened to all the activities I used to enjoy? I used to do it all. I don't want to brag, but my extra curricular calendar was filled with all kinds of events, trips and engagements. I was somewhere every night of the week. Now, my only constant event is work. Student government used to be my thing. I was president of this and vice president of that. I used to travel the country speaking, singing and meeting. I would meet early in the morning, in the middle of the day and throughout the night. I would help host conferences, conventions, parties, socials, receptions and everything of the like. I joke with my fiance'. I tell her that I had groupies. No, I didn't have women chasing me, but I did have people that were glad to see me when I arrived.

What happened? Now, I'm lucky if anyone even recognizes me when I introduce myself. My current feeling when I arrive at various church events isn't one of welcome, but of disbelief and disdain. Although I feel that I have done nothing to offend anyone, I have somehow developed a medium sized list of haters and back stabbers (one of the opposites of groupies). What is the deal? Then again, I go other places and am met with "surprise." "I wonder why he's here." Sure enough, people will smile. But is that a polite way of not saying hello because they have not taken the time to get to know me?

It's not anyone else's fault. I tell people all the time that communication is a two way street. I can say something to someone just like they can say something to me. Right now, I am not well-known in Indianapolis or Anderson or Muncie or Evansville. People know of me. They know that I am from Anderson (even though I live in Indianapolis). They know that I am a director (with charisma). Other than that, I'm not really known. And I guess that's mostly my fault again, now that I think about it. One of my aims when I moved to Indiana was to not be in everybody's face all the time. I wanted to keep a low profile. Prior to Indiana, I was EVERYWHERE (as I've already mentioned). When I came to Indiana, I wanted a small, close knit group of friends that I could trust, confide in and hang out with. Well, my circle IS small. It's actually a triangle. There's my fiance' and my best friend. I have some associates that I truly value as being a part of my life, but I do not "spill my guts" to them.

There's a part of me that still has those grade school tenedencies. Do you remember how you always wanted to be in the "in crowd." Well, I always wanted to be cool. But my lack of name brand clothing, my "gumpiness," my glasses, my super high voice, my mannerisms (ask Alex), and other situations denied me access to these exclusive groups. But, because I went to a high school with smart kids, everyone was technically at a disadvantage. So, I took a liking to the people that mirrored my ambitions. We became an elite group of our own, bolstering our signature brand of school pride, diligence, competence and itegrity. It worked. We were recognized everywhere we went. They saw us coming! No, we didn't get invited to all the parties. But we did alright.

Once again, I want to belong to the cool crowd. I have an idea of who is cool and who is not. Am I waiting on an invitation? I guess so. Will I ever get one, probably not. What does it take to get one? I don't know. I usually make friends by accident. I've never been intentional about making friends, not prior to my undergrad days. I usually sat there, and people came up to me. I think in college, I started befriending people. This got me into trouble (which I may talk about in another entry). Since then, I've gotten away from "befriending" people. "Don't go chasing waterfalls. PLEASE stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to." What a very wise thing to say. Those waterfalls will get you in trouble EVERY time. As a result though, I don't have as many friends. I don't have as many opportunities to shine and then mingle. I'm usually twice removed from everything that I do. I'm never really there for myself. I'm always the friend of or guest of someone else.

Excuses, excuses, excuses... If I want to have friends, I have to show myself friendly. That's what I have to do.

Back to the task at hand... I've got to take a serious look at my life and see where I am supposed to be. Primarily, I have to be in the will of God. I want to be where God wants me to be. If God wants me to be alone and friendless, than sobeit. If God wants me to be the life of the party, then sobeit. If God wants me at the top of the corporate ladder, then sobeit. Or, if God wants me to be scraping the bottom rung, assisting people who treat me like crap, then sobeit. I need to hear a word from the Lord. I also need to decide what I want. The Lord will give you the desire of your heart. You have to be in His will. I need to pray.

Kevin J.